


The Paradox of Life

by GenevieveOHara



Series: Permission to Fly [3]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Best Friends, Brothers, Cancer, Crying, Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family, Gen, Goodbyes, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Monologue, Ohana, Sad, Sicfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-30 02:35:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18306446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GenevieveOHara/pseuds/GenevieveOHara
Summary: Danny starts seeing Steve everywhere.  He doesn't mind that Steve is essentially killing him.Part of my Permission to Fly Series.





	The Paradox of Life

The first time he saw Steve was a few weeks after his fiftieth birthday. Danny was alone at HQ doing the inventory reports for the next month and looked up from his desk to see a familiar dark head in Steve’s office. He entered that office for the first time in seven years and smiled at his best friend.

“Steve?” He asked with tears in his eyes.

“Hey, buddy,” Steve smiled. HIs face was carefree and tanned.

“Wha…” Danny gaped.

“I missed ya,” Steve grinned again and sat on the corner of the desk.

“I missed you too, babe,” Danny smiled teary eyed at Steve. “Is this..Are you..?”  He couldn’t finish that. He wanted this to be real too much. He didn’t want Steve to be gone.

“Danno, you know I’m dead,” Steve smiled sadly at his partner.

“Right,” Danny choked. “I know.”

“Danno?” Steve asked.

“Yeah, Steve?” Danny sighed.

“I’m sorry,” Steve looked up into Danny’s eyes. “I tried.”

“I know you did, babe. I know. It’s ok,” Danny said tears in his eyes.

“Thanks,” Steve smiled.

“What for?”

“For coming to talk with me.”

“Always, Steve.”

 

Danny explained the first hallucination of Steve in his office as a combination of stress and exhaustion. The second hallucination was much more inopportune. Danny was alone in the camaro, chasing a suspect through the narrow roads of Chinatown. He hated Chinatown.

“Turn here, you can cut them off before they make it to the H1!” Steve called out from the backseat. Danny nearly jumped out of his seat and he jerked the wheel, narrowly missing a group of tourists standing on the sidewalk.

“Fuck! What are you…!” Danny swore, glancing back at Steve in his backseat.

“Turn, Danno!” Steve ordered back. Danny maneuvered the camaro around the corner.

“Steven, go away!” Danny ordered. He couldn’t deal with this right now. “I swear, even dead, you’re trying to drive my car.” He mumbled.

“Trust me, Danno?”

“Always, Steve,” Danny sighed and swerved around another tight corner.

 

“You know, I could really use a face-to-face conversation right now, Steven,” Danny scowled at the engraved stone. He had another headache and the sun wasn’t helping much.

“I know why you’ve finally decided to torment me now,” Danny sighed and sat on the grass. “I should have realised it earlier with the headaches and the dizziness.”

Danny sat there and waited. He needed his best friend. He needed to tell someone. He safer to tell than the man his brain was hallucinating about. It’s not like the dead man could tell his secrets.

“I finally went to see someone about you,” Danny picked at the weeds in the grass. “They say you’re brain cancer.”

Danny took a few breaths and swept some dirt off of the headstone.

“Glioblastoma. It’s inoperable, but of course it is. I’m always stuck with you,” Danny smiled sadly at the headstone.

“They say I’ve got maybe a year left… I’m scared, Steve,” Danny admitted to the grave.

“Don’t be, Danno,” he heard. Danny looked to John McGarrett’s grave where Steve was sitting in board shorts and that ratty Navy t-shirt he liked so much. He was barefoot and picking at the grass on top of his father’s grave.

“Hey,” Danny smiled at his friend. “Thanks for coming.”

“It’s not too bad, you know,” Steve shrugged.

“Huh?” Danny squinted against the sun.

“Being dead, Danno,” Steve smiled sadly. “It’s not like what they say it is, but it’s not bad.”

“Hmm,” Danny hummed. He didn’t know how to process that.

“So, are you telling anyone?”

“No,” Danny shook his head. “At least, not yet.”

“Danno…”

“I know. It’s just Grace just started a new job in Arizona and Charlie is too young,” Danny avoided Steve’s disapproving look.

“Charlie is in high school, Danny,” Steve said.

“Steve, not right now, ok?” Danny pleaded.

“Fine…. What about the team?”

“No, I don’t plan on telling them yet. I’ll tell them once I’m ready to ‘retire’.”

“You should tell someone, Danny.”

“I’m telling you, aren’t I?” Danny said snarkily.

“Danny, I don’t count,” Steve smiled. “I knew about this before you did.”

“Of course you did, you asshole.”

“I’m sorry, Danno.”

“I know, buddy. I know.”

 

As the tumor grows, Steve shows up more and more frequently. On good days Danny talks with his tumor… on bad days Danny ignores the hallucination in favor of work.

“Danny, you can’t ignore me forever,” Steve leans against the door frame of Danny’s office at HQ. Danny rolls his eyes at the man and returns to his paperwork.

“Come on, Danno. I know that sucks, let’s go,” Steve whined.

“Go away,” Danny hissed under his breath. “Please, Steve, not right now.”

He had a headache again and the painkillers he was given had barely taken the edge off the piercing misery that came from the expanding tumor. He was staring at the paper that was swimming in and out of focus. He just needed to finish this last set of case files and then he could go home and sleep. Steve’s banter and distractions were annoying and keeping him from going home.

“Rude,” Steve huffed and threw himself down on the chair in Danny’s office. He was quiet, so Danny didn’t say anything about it.

“Have you told anyone yet?”

“Rachel,” Danny said and dropped the papers on the desk. He wasn’t going to get these finished today. There was no way his brain was going to cooperate.

“Good,” Steve said. “Is she going to tell the kids?”

“I asked her not to unless I couldn’t,” Danny said. “She wasn’t very happy with that, but she understands.”

“Danny, have you told your parents?” Steve asked. He knew it was weird that Danny’s family hadn’t been hovering. His mother hadn’t flown down to comfort her son. His sister hadn’t sent food. His aunt hadn’t recommended those essential oils she insists cure everything from the common cold to cancer.

“Nuh-uh,” Danny shook his head. He couldn’t do that to his parents.

“Danno,” Steve sighed.

“I know. It’s just…” Danny rubbed his temples. “I can’t put this on them. It’s better this way.”

“You’re going to need help,” Steve frowned. He knew what was going to happen to Danny. He knew the symptoms that would come before Danny was released. The headaches, nausea, weight loss, vision problems, confusion, and occasional balance problems had already occurred, but the more debilitating symptoms like seizures, paralysis, loss of consciousness, and such would require Danny to seek help.

“I’m planning on telling Eric and the team soon,” Danny said honestly. He hoped his nephew wouldn’t tell the rest of the Williams family.

“Good, Danny. They’ll be there for you when I can’t be,” Steve smiled sadly.

“What do you mean?” Danny raised an eyebrow. “You’ll always there, babe.” Danny said and tapped his head, right above where the tumor was growing. It was morbid that Danny thought of his tumor, the one that was killing him, as Steve, but he thought it fitting. The tumor gave him Steve, even if it was a hallucination, and Danny was thankful that at least it had given him something.

 

“Hey, Commander,” Junior smiled down at the headstone and set the wreath down on the stone.

“I’ll be back in a half hour?” Junior asked Danny who just nodded in thanks. He was using the cane again. The same one he had from years ago when his knee was messed up.

“Hi, bud,” Danny said. “I’m sorry it’s been a while.”

“Junior has been chauffeuring me everywhere now that I can’t drive,” Danny smiled. “I almost forgot how nice it was never having to drive in this traffic.”

“You thought it was nice?” Steve asked.

“Yeah, but I would’ve never told you that. You would have gotten big headed.”

“Hmm, I knew it,” Steve smiled. “You would always complain, but you always gave me the keys anyways.”

“Yeah, babe,” Danny smiled.

“I take it everyone knows?”

“Yeah, I told them a few weeks ago. I don’t know what to do,” Danny sighed. Steve tilted his head as if to question Danny.

“Lou cried and Tani didn’t show up to work for three days. Junior is pretending it’s all going to be ok, but I can see him freaking out inside. He’s just like you in that. Eric… well, Eric moved in.”

“They’ll be ok, Danno. Ohana takes care of one another,” Steve assured Danny.

“I hope so,” Danny sighed. He had spent eight months of his year he had left, and he wasn’t sure how he was going to prepare everyone for losing him.

“So what’s up with Nahele?” Steve changed the subject.

“Ah, he was in Asia the last time I talked with him. He’s doing well,” Danny shrugged. Steve understood. It was classified.

 

“Babe,” Danny smiled weakly. He had been in bed for nearly three days. He was so tired all the time now. The medication made him groggy and the world hazy.

“Hey, Danno,” Steve sat in the chair next to Danny’s bed.

“Is it time?” Danny asked. He was ready. He’d said his goodbyes to Grace, Charlie and his parents earlier that day. It was what he thought was his ‘last good day’. He knew his time was nearly up and he didn’t want the kids to see him for the last time on a bad day.

“Nah, Danno.”

“Hmm, ‘k,” Danny hummed. “‘M tired. Sorry.”

“It’s ok, Danno. Go to bed, I’ll be here when you wake up,” Steve smiled reassuringly and put his feet up on the bed.

 

“Lou, I think he’s waking up,” Danny heard through the fog. He felt someone’s warm grip on his hand and he slowly opened his eyes. His ohana had packed into the room. Danny could barely see Steve’s figure packed in with the rest of the people.

“Hey, Danny!” Lou smiled at Danny. He could tell the older man had been crying and he was smiling too widely in order to hide the sadness in his eyes.

“Hey,” Danny croaked. His throat was sore, but he didn’t want water.

“It’s ok, you know,” Eric said from his other side. The young man was crying openly. Danny squeezed his hand. “I called everyone.”

“Thanks,” Danny scrounged up a smile for his nephew.

"No problem, Uncle D.  Grandma and Pops are on their way," Eric gave Danny a fake smile that didn't really reach his eyes.

“Danno?” Steve asked from the back of the room. Apparently hallucinations were pushed to the back of crowds.

“Hm?” He asked. He didn’t care if anyone gave him odd looks for talking to someone they couldn’t see.

“It’s time, if you want,” Steve said. Danny couldn’t read his face. The blue eyes were friendly, but tinged with sadness.

“Ok, babe,” Danny said. “In a bit?”

“Ok, buddy. In a bit.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Since the previous two stories went over well, I decided to write this one. It didn't exactly go how I expected it to, but I'm happy with it. I'm sorry if it makes anyone cry as much as it made me cry. I really need to do a happy story next.


End file.
